What do you really want?

Yesterday I was browsing over the latest issue of Science Magazine and I found myself awed by how other people think, and even moreso, how they successfully bridge humanity's gaps in knowledge. Being the little lost mouse in the midst of this high-profile science thinking, I can't help but be on the drooling end as I stare upclose at the rest of the bustling world of science around me. I feel so small. And often, I feel wanting to know what they know, do what they do, and be what they are. But when posed to pounce into this big dreams through prayer, I was surprised to find myself pausing and thinking if this is REALLY what I want.

I don't see being THAT as a stumbling block to my faith, nor that God would love me any less should I choose to take that hardcore scientific rat-race. But it seems to me that my heart has been telling me that there is something more to life than just that. In fairness to fate, it would be easy for me to decide because it seems that my path towards the zenith of science is cluttered with unfavorable circumstances and limited capacities. Be that as it may, I know that God will clear all those, should that be how I was to be. But my heart seems to be telling me otherwise, and I am taken to that time in prayer at one of my pews in St. Therese in UPLB, when I know that a call to serve God's children have been placed in my heart.

The things is, I'm happy to live that purpose. However, I would like that to be a choice I'll make not because my other options have gone stale, but because it is the RIGHT one. I know God will be in whatever path I choose, but I would like to be that person for which I was shaped for. I wouldn't want to leave the burden of decision to God or fate or what I think the good society dictates. I would want to be the one to choose, not because it was the easier way out, or that it is what I think is right but because I have, with all confidence, found that conviction that taking this path is what I am really called for. No dramas, no glitz. Just the raw simplicity and truth of being where I'll be at my best and my happiest. So what do I really want?

I would want to find that divine, rock-solid conviction in my heart. I also would want for my technical life to go right and rosy, just so I know that I am not making an easier choice or simply finding a way out. I know I have to overcome my fears, my confusion, my own desires. I know I have to soon know what I want, and want what I now have.

I am counting on the confidence that God knows how to make the best of me.