My oil cap lesson

I am not any less significant as others are, nor am I any more important as the rest of the world is.

Last Friday I brought my car to sears between wading through work demands. I discovered my muffler has been hanging pathetically and could let go any moment soon. On my way I remembered my oil has been due for change some two months back, so I thought I might as well do it then. After some wait, I was charged less than $20 for the oil change - the cheapest I've been charged ever - and got the muffler holder screwed back on free of charge. Happy with the deal and ecstatic with getting car issues out of my way, I made an effort to make sure people got credit for it, so I did the sears survey and gave glowing reviews.

Later that day, wondering why I haven't got my pay for a month now, I found out the reason was because I fell through the cracks. My name was unfortunately missed out in the roster amongst the others. The day even went worse when I found out from the Sears guy that the mechanic forgot to put my oil cap back on. Annoyed with the thought that I have to go back, and that my car could be in bigger trouble, I was transforming to Ms Hyde.

And then off to Sears Ms. Hyde went, spewing out like a tiny little mean Asian girl. It didn't help that after the clean up, the paint under the hood was rubbed off, making Ms Hyde on the verge of being Ms. Hulk. Spew and spew and spew, thinking she has a point. Unfortunately, whatever point there was, got drowned by her mean actions.

When the anger ebbed, I was left to realize that once again my temper have failed me. I was scared with the thought that I have started to think myself as bigger than who I am or what I perceive myself to be. I expect myself to be better than that.

I vowed from that day on - I will not see anyone less significant as myself. Nor will I see myself any less important than others.

What do you really want?

Yesterday I was browsing over the latest issue of Science Magazine and I found myself awed by how other people think, and even moreso, how they successfully bridge humanity's gaps in knowledge. Being the little lost mouse in the midst of this high-profile science thinking, I can't help but be on the drooling end as I stare upclose at the rest of the bustling world of science around me. I feel so small. And often, I feel wanting to know what they know, do what they do, and be what they are. But when posed to pounce into this big dreams through prayer, I was surprised to find myself pausing and thinking if this is REALLY what I want.

I don't see being THAT as a stumbling block to my faith, nor that God would love me any less should I choose to take that hardcore scientific rat-race. But it seems to me that my heart has been telling me that there is something more to life than just that. In fairness to fate, it would be easy for me to decide because it seems that my path towards the zenith of science is cluttered with unfavorable circumstances and limited capacities. Be that as it may, I know that God will clear all those, should that be how I was to be. But my heart seems to be telling me otherwise, and I am taken to that time in prayer at one of my pews in St. Therese in UPLB, when I know that a call to serve God's children have been placed in my heart.

The things is, I'm happy to live that purpose. However, I would like that to be a choice I'll make not because my other options have gone stale, but because it is the RIGHT one. I know God will be in whatever path I choose, but I would like to be that person for which I was shaped for. I wouldn't want to leave the burden of decision to God or fate or what I think the good society dictates. I would want to be the one to choose, not because it was the easier way out, or that it is what I think is right but because I have, with all confidence, found that conviction that taking this path is what I am really called for. No dramas, no glitz. Just the raw simplicity and truth of being where I'll be at my best and my happiest. So what do I really want?

I would want to find that divine, rock-solid conviction in my heart. I also would want for my technical life to go right and rosy, just so I know that I am not making an easier choice or simply finding a way out. I know I have to overcome my fears, my confusion, my own desires. I know I have to soon know what I want, and want what I now have.

I am counting on the confidence that God knows how to make the best of me.

All is grace.

There's something about having to find time to be with the Lord. It is as if, by itself, delicious. Everything else comes as an add-on extra happy points.

Just last weekend, the grad students group had a retreat at Bengel Wildlife Center in Bath, MI. Although hardly even close to be earth-shaking, it was indeed a happy God-time. The theme was taken from Jeremiah 29:11, "For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to bring you hope and a future." Fr. Joe (animatedly) talked about the first half of the verse, while Rod Murphy (St. Thomas Aquinas Principal and a spartan grad student himself many years back) talked about the second half.

Fr. Joe's talk challenged me to be the person that God intended me to be. Some other points of interest in his talk:

• He talked about prayer. To PRAY he said, is to Praise, Repent, Ask and Yield. It was interesting for me to hear about the psalm verse "Enter your gates with thanksgiving, enter your courts with praise" was referring to the Temple where the Arch of Covenant was kept. This temple was apparently, divided into two parts, the first part can be entered by the commons through a gate, while the courts can only be accessed by the high priests (the area where the Arch was kept is prohibited to everyone else). And so he said, thanksgiving is a form of prayer on a 24/7 basis, while praise is a higher form of prayer as we enter into God's presence.
  

• To praise is to focus on who God is, to repent is to rethink (we repent because God loves us); to ask is to let God hear us (because although He knows what we want, he wants to hear us say so); and to yield is to let the spirit fill us, to let God be.

• Whatever happens in the future, God is there for me.
  

Rod Murphy's talk centered in two of his (and mine too!) favorite Saints, St. Therese of Lisieux and St. Ignatius of Loyola. It reminded of dear St. Therese, and her gentle, simple faith that rocks. All is grace. He talked about chronos (a passive way of living where you just drift along with time) and chairos (the right time for something to happen, that kind which leaves prints). I also love what he said: "God created me from nothing, God created me with love, and God created me for a purpose." So true.

We so fittingly closed the day with a mass at St. Thomas. And I thought, over and above the experience, I enjoyed having had the chance to be in that kind of service again, working together to serve God and others :)