What do you really want?

Yesterday I was browsing over the latest issue of Science Magazine and I found myself awed by how other people think, and even moreso, how they successfully bridge humanity's gaps in knowledge. Being the little lost mouse in the midst of this high-profile science thinking, I can't help but be on the drooling end as I stare upclose at the rest of the bustling world of science around me. I feel so small. And often, I feel wanting to know what they know, do what they do, and be what they are. But when posed to pounce into this big dreams through prayer, I was surprised to find myself pausing and thinking if this is REALLY what I want.

I don't see being THAT as a stumbling block to my faith, nor that God would love me any less should I choose to take that hardcore scientific rat-race. But it seems to me that my heart has been telling me that there is something more to life than just that. In fairness to fate, it would be easy for me to decide because it seems that my path towards the zenith of science is cluttered with unfavorable circumstances and limited capacities. Be that as it may, I know that God will clear all those, should that be how I was to be. But my heart seems to be telling me otherwise, and I am taken to that time in prayer at one of my pews in St. Therese in UPLB, when I know that a call to serve God's children have been placed in my heart.

The things is, I'm happy to live that purpose. However, I would like that to be a choice I'll make not because my other options have gone stale, but because it is the RIGHT one. I know God will be in whatever path I choose, but I would like to be that person for which I was shaped for. I wouldn't want to leave the burden of decision to God or fate or what I think the good society dictates. I would want to be the one to choose, not because it was the easier way out, or that it is what I think is right but because I have, with all confidence, found that conviction that taking this path is what I am really called for. No dramas, no glitz. Just the raw simplicity and truth of being where I'll be at my best and my happiest. So what do I really want?

I would want to find that divine, rock-solid conviction in my heart. I also would want for my technical life to go right and rosy, just so I know that I am not making an easier choice or simply finding a way out. I know I have to overcome my fears, my confusion, my own desires. I know I have to soon know what I want, and want what I now have.

I am counting on the confidence that God knows how to make the best of me.

All is grace.

There's something about having to find time to be with the Lord. It is as if, by itself, delicious. Everything else comes as an add-on extra happy points.

Just last weekend, the grad students group had a retreat at Bengel Wildlife Center in Bath, MI. Although hardly even close to be earth-shaking, it was indeed a happy God-time. The theme was taken from Jeremiah 29:11, "For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to bring you hope and a future." Fr. Joe (animatedly) talked about the first half of the verse, while Rod Murphy (St. Thomas Aquinas Principal and a spartan grad student himself many years back) talked about the second half.

Fr. Joe's talk challenged me to be the person that God intended me to be. Some other points of interest in his talk:

• He talked about prayer. To PRAY he said, is to Praise, Repent, Ask and Yield. It was interesting for me to hear about the psalm verse "Enter your gates with thanksgiving, enter your courts with praise" was referring to the Temple where the Arch of Covenant was kept. This temple was apparently, divided into two parts, the first part can be entered by the commons through a gate, while the courts can only be accessed by the high priests (the area where the Arch was kept is prohibited to everyone else). And so he said, thanksgiving is a form of prayer on a 24/7 basis, while praise is a higher form of prayer as we enter into God's presence.
  

• To praise is to focus on who God is, to repent is to rethink (we repent because God loves us); to ask is to let God hear us (because although He knows what we want, he wants to hear us say so); and to yield is to let the spirit fill us, to let God be.

• Whatever happens in the future, God is there for me.
  

Rod Murphy's talk centered in two of his (and mine too!) favorite Saints, St. Therese of Lisieux and St. Ignatius of Loyola. It reminded of dear St. Therese, and her gentle, simple faith that rocks. All is grace. He talked about chronos (a passive way of living where you just drift along with time) and chairos (the right time for something to happen, that kind which leaves prints). I also love what he said: "God created me from nothing, God created me with love, and God created me for a purpose." So true.

We so fittingly closed the day with a mass at St. Thomas. And I thought, over and above the experience, I enjoyed having had the chance to be in that kind of service again, working together to serve God and others :)

Pour Vous!

Lately my life seems to have been dominated by a 3-unit course in biostatistics - my lunch is practically squeezed in between assignments, my study materials share my bed on a nightly basis, and I dream (or should I say have nightmares) of biostatistical formulas in my sleep. Really, everything seemed to have taken a back seat to this course - including the project that have been financing my education and supporting my survival here in the US. And yes, disappointingly, even finding my time for God. Sadly, it is a fact that there are a gazillion bigger things than just this biostat.

And so today I thought I should claim the best of both my profound and required worlds by simply rediscovering that perspective I had way back in college when my lecture notes were filled with scribbled por vous not even knowing what it was (or how to correctly spell it!). Almost 20 years later, I am made even more convinced that it is the best (and happiest) way to go - to take to heart whatever I do, as a form of my life's prayer and praise. To see everything coming along my way as an opportunity to be drawn closer to a state of further grace.

I know that life - mine included - can be a rush littered with purposeless distractions. But from today, the little (student) me will see things differently. I will move through the flow for a higher purpose; I shall work and push and labor harder through my everyday, as whatever comes my way, distractions included, is part of my life's call. I will fight the good fight and I will run the race, zealous, happy and in peace. Because I know that over and above what meets the eye, will be a purpose served, and my faith to its fullest, lived.

I know in my heart, it will be then and only then, will everything make sense.

Pour Vous!

Yet another new beginning :)

I always seem to say that nothing news-worthy happens in my life. And there's truth to that, really. My usual day is filled with schoolwork, deadlines, work demands, and a regular dose of whining in between. Although it could be busy at times, it's pretty standard and typical for a grad student like me, probably (thankfully) a bit less cut-throat and way less dramatic compared with others of my kind. But lately I am seeing that I am a bit different from the rest - in a borderline weird, eccentric, kind of way. Nonetheless, blessed to be so.

I am finding myself drawn and hungry for more than just what the world of knowledge brings. I am finding myself challenged not only by depths of science, but the purpose of my life, which I now realize is not just to bridge the gaps of scientific knowledge on antimicrobial resistance. I have always recognized that over and beyond my blessing to venture here for an additional degree, I am here for a higher purpose and that God has a big plan for the little me. And although my path has since been straightforward, there is that restlessness I find so familiar. Until last Wednesday (October 14). That day, was my very first session with Sister Rose, whom I now proudly refer to as my Spiritual Director.

Having finally taken that path feels like a new chapter is to unfold, and I can't be any more spiritually excited than I've ever been. There is a sense of that peace, like I know what I was doing. Honestly, I really don't. Not even what to expect nor what my goals for this should be. I just know I have set off into a blessed journey, and I am moving a step closer to home. And because it seems to me that making this decision to take this path is a blessing enough, everything else that happens along the way, would be a bonus.

I am clueless, but ready. Happily at peace on this new road I'm on :) Closer to home.